In the past few weeks, our family has learned the truths of a hard journey that has been laid before us. This is not to say we did not know the path was going to be easy, but hearing confirmation from professionals has focused our knowledge to just how difficult the summer may be. This coming trial, tribulation, crucible, calling, trouble (pick or discern whichever word you like with this type of definition, it applies) requires contemplation in reference to God's Word.
However, at first, to be honest, I minimized my suffering. I considered that I am a professional, and when I give advice or perform services, I am providing guidance where no guidance can be understood, learned or found, due to professional judgement. I avoided feeling useless and powerless by acknowledging all the capabilities of the professionals involved. While there is some comfort in the skills of professionals, there is a reason for feelings and emotion, and I should not be so easy to avoid those feelings.
My avoidance became obvious through the ministry of song. Specifically, the song "It is well" as performed by Bethel Music and Kristene DiMarco. After a few listens, I realized that I had not fully relied upon the Father in relation to the upcoming events. It caused a crack in my armored heart. Another song that acted as a crowbar, and kept breaking open my heart was "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then, this morning, I heard Mac Powell and Laura Story sign "Open Arms" and knew I needed to deload my arms in order for Him to use them.
This blog (Journey series) is my attempt to work through my feelings instead of avoiding them. This also could show how I am giving those emotions acknowledgement and dealing with them in relation to the Scriptures. In Hebrews 10:25, the writer suggests that believers of Jesus need to encourage and spur one another to good works. Hopefully, this blog may also serve others who may experience hardships and help them find the solace that Jesus Christ offers to all that trust in Him.
One thing that I do want to say is that I am not without hope. I do not feel hopeless. God has always been with me through the ups and downs of adoption, job insecurity, foster care, college, and... you get the picture. Paul puts it well in Romans 15:4 - " For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope." I remember what God has done for me, what He has done for the Israelites, and what He has done for the world through His death and resurrection. This hope is in the process of being strengthened, as Romans 5:3-4 states, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
However, at first, to be honest, I minimized my suffering. I considered that I am a professional, and when I give advice or perform services, I am providing guidance where no guidance can be understood, learned or found, due to professional judgement. I avoided feeling useless and powerless by acknowledging all the capabilities of the professionals involved. While there is some comfort in the skills of professionals, there is a reason for feelings and emotion, and I should not be so easy to avoid those feelings.
My avoidance became obvious through the ministry of song. Specifically, the song "It is well" as performed by Bethel Music and Kristene DiMarco. After a few listens, I realized that I had not fully relied upon the Father in relation to the upcoming events. It caused a crack in my armored heart. Another song that acted as a crowbar, and kept breaking open my heart was "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then, this morning, I heard Mac Powell and Laura Story sign "Open Arms" and knew I needed to deload my arms in order for Him to use them.
This blog (Journey series) is my attempt to work through my feelings instead of avoiding them. This also could show how I am giving those emotions acknowledgement and dealing with them in relation to the Scriptures. In Hebrews 10:25, the writer suggests that believers of Jesus need to encourage and spur one another to good works. Hopefully, this blog may also serve others who may experience hardships and help them find the solace that Jesus Christ offers to all that trust in Him.
So... I guess I need to write about something I'm feeling, eh?
- I feel useless. I am actually unable to be able to perform any necessary medical procedures in order to help my son.
- I feel powerless. This is slightly harder to define. Because I have to rely on the medical experts, I really have no power in what procedures he receives. While we do have to approve the procedures, the alternative is not an acceptable one.
- I feel afraid. The future is unknown with my little boy. There are so many issues that are arising that it is causing a state of fear with regard to what else may happen.
For these emotions to the avoided, I transferred them into a state of apathy and, eventually, anger. It was not that I did not care, but it may have appeared that way, in order for me to be able to carry on my duties as a father, provider, and comforter. Pushing the emotions away was able to help my focus on work and school. Unfortunately, the unfelt emotions began to stir into anger at the whole situation. There seemed to be so much anger just under my surface, which has become easy to draw out. Much of the anger is related to the reasons behind my son's ailment. There is forgiveness, but the anger still churns because he is not healed. I have become more agitated with my wife, kids, and pets, through no fault of their own, and I need to do something about my harsh attitude to minor infractions. I am attempting to find a conduit to release the anger, but it is difficult. One of my hopes is that getting this on paper will help evacuate the emotions from their buried depths and discuss them fully on the surface to eliminate a culmination of anger.
While I have not discussed this with anyone, Greg Logan, my best friend, has always been a proponent of being a servant when not knowing what to do. This is sage advice, and we can see the example of Christ as a servant through his life n the New Testament. While this may be a distracting tactic, I think that following Jesus' method of service can be helpful. Anger does not help my relationship with God, but service does. My aim in the coming weeks is to try to focus on serving my wife and kids in order to draw close to Jesus' example. If I can get to a place where my heart is full of service toward others, maybe this attitude and Christ-likeness will allow me to cope with my anger through daily forgiveness and prayer. Being more like Christ is probably not a bad thing.
One thing that I do want to say is that I am not without hope. I do not feel hopeless. God has always been with me through the ups and downs of adoption, job insecurity, foster care, college, and... you get the picture. Paul puts it well in Romans 15:4 - " For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope." I remember what God has done for me, what He has done for the Israelites, and what He has done for the world through His death and resurrection. This hope is in the process of being strengthened, as Romans 5:3-4 states, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
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